Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Once you become a Mom, you stop being the picture and start being the frame.

You can interpret that quote in a couple different ways I guess.  I love this quote.  And I can, with absolute proudness (I don't think that's a word) say, that I have been the "frame" since November 6th, 2007 and I'll never stop.

When I met Cale, I knew he was the one I wanted to marry when I no longer wanted to go anywhere without him.
And I knew I was ready to be a Mom when I realized that I don't want it all to be about "me" anymore.  If I missed that awesome movie of the decade because my child was sick and I needed to stay home to take care of him ... I was going to be okay with that.  If I missed that concert of my favorite band that gave away FREE tickets to his/her show ... so be it (and yes, it's happened).  If Cale and I had a scheduled date night and my child didn't want Mom or Dad to leave him for the night, then date night will be spent having Take-Out over candelight at the Topinka dinner table.  Did I have what it took to stop going out unless it consisted of going out with a child in tow?  No doubt.

Instead ... now my Friday nights consist of playing Candyland in my living room with my boys.  My Saturday nights consist of ordering a pizza and renting a superhero movie.  And my Sunday's consist of breakfast, picking up the house, and turning the hallway into a bowling alley.  Unless of course this is during football season -- in which Saturday's are spent yelling at the Huskers and Sunday's are spent yelling at the Chiefs.  And yes, Cashie has joined in with the, "YOU DING-DONG" when T-Magic drops the ball. Anyway ... Did I lose some friend's because of this?  Sure.  But I'm okay with that.  If they're not willing to accept me as a mother and a wife ... I'm not willing to accept them as a friend.  And that's just that.

I don't claim to be mother of the year or the perfect mom.  Lord knows I am no where close.  I make mistakes as a Mom all the time, every day.  But when my son grows up, I want him to be able to say, "my Mom has been there for me whenever I have needed her."  Sometimes nobody can make it better except for Mom.  How terrible would I feel if I went out to a bar or club and my son woke up crying for Mom and I wasn't there to comfort him back to sleep?  I don't think I'd ever forgive myself.  Sure Dad can ease the pain or fear.  But sometimes (in our case), Mom is the only one that can truly make it go away.

Is it by choice that we have these family date nights in our living room?  Not always, actually.  The thing is, we never have a sitter.  In fact, I have been away from Cash a total of FIVE nights.  Yes.  One hand.  Two nights while I had to go out of town for my job and three nights while we were in the hospital when Christopher was born.  In which all of these were not by choice.  (Because I think now you get the gist of where I'd be if I HAD had the choice).  It makes me really sad.  Sad for the boys.  They're growing up so fast.  It's almost time (and now I'm writing this with tears in my eyes) that Cash is going to start making friends and having sleepovers on the weekends.  Before we know it he's not going to want anything to do with Mom, or Dad, or Papa, or Grandma anymore.  And that time is just around the corner, unfortunately.  But it doesn't just affect the boys.  It's also hard on Cale and I's relationship at times.  There's some days where I don't think we get to say five words to eachother.  And that hurts.  I guess people think that couples just don't need a night out alone together.  But it is what it is.  We have adjusted to it and we make it work.  And maybe over time it's actually making us stronger.  Cale and I have weathered some unimaginable storms together.  And yet, everyday I wake up loving this man more than I did the day before.  But that's neither here nor there.  Or maybe it is.  My point is - as my children grow and we all get older ... together ... I don't ever want to look back and say I was never there for my boys.  And I never want my boys to ever wonder where I was.  Or why I wasn't at home.  Why I chose to go out to the bar instead of watch a movie with them.  I always have the "what ifs" in my head.  And it's not the way to spend life.  But when it comes to my children ... you can bet I am going to wonder "What if I went out tonight instead of spent the night at home and there was an accident."  It's just how I've thought ever since I had Cash.  I guess it's some sort of anxiety thing or something.  But honestly, it's something I don't want to correct either. 

I want to always tuck my boys into bed, say prayers, and kiss them goodnight.  I don't want my boys to ever thing something was more important then spending time with them.  Because really ... if I could spend every waking moment with them ... I would. 

Lately Cash has been saying, "Mommy, you're beautiful!" to me when we wake up in the morning.  And it melts my heart everytime.  I know that I look rough in the morning.  Beyond rough actually.  But as Nana said, "Kids are honest.  Sometimes brutally honest.  But they are innocent and honest."  And maybe Cash doesn't know what "beautiful means.  But it still makes my heart skip a beat.  And Christopher ... he is beyond a Mama's boy.  He looks at me like he wants nothing in the world but to make me smile and laugh.  He doesn't snuggle anyone else like he snuggles me.  He's my little sweetie.

Anyone that took the time to actually read this ... I want you to know that this is all merely me ... and our life.  What works for me may not work for you.  It's all about what I choose as MY priorities and how to spend MY life.  I ask that you don't judge me - as I'm not going to judge you.

I love my life with my boys.  I wouldn't be the person I am today without them.  They are the reason I wake up in the morning.  The reason I uncontrollably smile out of the blue.  The reason I'm strong on the outside but a softy on the inside.  They're the reason I cry tears of happiness.  They're my best friends.


  1. I love you too!! You're the one true friend that's stuck by me through everything! Even when you came to town (which is a once in a blue moon thing that we get to see eachother) ... and you let a two year old tag along. Bless you both. I love you BOTH! :)