Monday, July 11, 2011

I Don't Like Them Anymore.

Why is it that all that I do lately is cry and vent.  I've lost my humor. 

I've started looking for part-time night jobs.  It's to the point where 5 out of 7 days, I don't like my children.  That sounds terrible I know ... but it's true.  I love them with everything that I have and everything that I am ... but I just can't do it anymore.  I went to the Music Theatre of Wichita last night with my neighbor (and friend).  I was gone for four hours.  By the time I got home my boys were all fed, bathed, and sound asleep.  When I woke up this morning ... I couldn't wait for them to wake up too.  It was the best feeling ever to be able to miss them.  Sure I missed reading them a story and tucking them in.  But I felt alive again when I woke up.  My walls no longer felt like they were going to collapse.  It wasn't "just another day".  I received the biggest smiles and hugs.  They missed me too.  So that tells me right there that I'm not the only one that feels this way.  I definitely don't want to go back to work full-time.  And I don't want to work during the day.  I want to be with them during the day ... just not ALL day.  I want to work a few days during the week and maybe a day during the weekend.  It's not like I see my husband now anyway so it wouldn't be much different. 

I love my boys enough to do this not only for me ... but for them.  I feel like I'm a mean person during the day.  Not all the time.  But it gets to the point where somedays all I do is tell Cash, "no" and I don't want to be that way.  I want them to miss me.  Not be annoyed by me.  I want them to realize they need me.  And not just for someone to fix them lunch.  I want them to love me.  Not always be mad at me.  I want them to know there's a life outside of our little house.  Not just a life of Sesame Street and Candyland.  And I too want to know there's a life outside of Sesame Street and Candyland.

Whether such job exists or not, we'll find out.  I just know that since we're not blessed enough to have someone watch the boys a few hours once or twice a month while the husband and I go on a date ... getting a job is my only out.  Unless one of you wins the lottery.  Then please think of me.  I promise I'll do good things with my cut of your winnings.  Thanks.

PS:  Me saying I don't like my kids is just me being dramatic.  They are my best friends.  But you know how you get with your friends sometimes ... annoyed.

Peace, Love, and Popsicles!

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