Why is it that all that I do lately is cry and vent. I've lost my humor.
I've started looking for part-time night jobs. It's to the point where 5 out of 7 days, I don't like my children. That sounds terrible I know ... but it's true. I love them with everything that I have and everything that I am ... but I just can't do it anymore. I went to the Music Theatre of Wichita last night with my neighbor (and friend). I was gone for four hours. By the time I got home my boys were all fed, bathed, and sound asleep. When I woke up this morning ... I couldn't wait for them to wake up too. It was the best feeling ever to be able to miss them. Sure I missed reading them a story and tucking them in. But I felt alive again when I woke up. My walls no longer felt like they were going to collapse. It wasn't "just another day". I received the biggest smiles and hugs. They missed me too. So that tells me right there that I'm not the only one that feels this way. I definitely don't want to go back to work full-time. And I don't want to work during the day. I want to be with them during the day ... just not ALL day. I want to work a few days during the week and maybe a day during the weekend. It's not like I see my husband now anyway so it wouldn't be much different.
I love my boys enough to do this not only for me ... but for them. I feel like I'm a mean person during the day. Not all the time. But it gets to the point where somedays all I do is tell Cash, "no" and I don't want to be that way. I want them to miss me. Not be annoyed by me. I want them to realize they need me. And not just for someone to fix them lunch. I want them to love me. Not always be mad at me. I want them to know there's a life outside of our little house. Not just a life of Sesame Street and Candyland. And I too want to know there's a life outside of Sesame Street and Candyland.
Whether such job exists or not, we'll find out. I just know that since we're not blessed enough to have someone watch the boys a few hours once or twice a month while the husband and I go on a date ... getting a job is my only out. Unless one of you wins the lottery. Then please think of me. I promise I'll do good things with my cut of your winnings. Thanks.
PS: Me saying I don't like my kids is just me being dramatic. They are my best friends. But you know how you get with your friends sometimes ... annoyed.
Peace, Love, and Popsicles!