Friday, September 2, 2011

Dear God,

I've never prayed for something so hard in my life.  But this isn't just a prayer ... this is me demanding something. 

I just wanted to tell you that You can't have her yet!!  Her time on earth isn't done.  It can't be.  The boys still need to see her one last time.  And not with tubes or IV's or in a hospital bed.  And honestly ... selfish Amanda isn't strong enough to hold Cale up.  I'm taking this a lot harder than he is.  I can't sleep.  I can't eat.  I wasn't prepared for this.  I looked forward to her being there when BOTH boys started school for the first time. 

She's the person I look up to the most.  She's the reason I let my kids have chips for breakfast.  She's the reason I go to Sonic at 7:00 at night because Cashie wants ice cream.  She raised two of the most amazing men I have ever met. 

She barely knows Christopher.  She needs to see what his personality is going to be like.  Will he be ornery like his big brother.  Or will he stay our sweet little snuggler.  Will he like Rock N Roll and KISS too?  Or will he be my little country boy.  I know regardless she'll look down and see all of us.  But it's not the same.  I need to give her a hug.  I need to tell her I love you more than once.  I need to see her smile and hear her laugh.  I want her to call the baby:  Christopher John Dietrich one more time - eventho she knows thats not his real name.  I need her to send me an email again and tell me how much she loves us and misses us.

She's the most beautiful person I have ever met.

I'm not strong enough, God.  I'm not strong enough to talk to Cash about death yet and how Nana is never coming back.  It was hard enough telling him she's sick and in the hospital.  I don't know how to answer his questions yet. 

I need to know my husband is okay.  Because I'm not, God.  She's not just my mother-in-law.  She's the reason I'm such a good Mom.  She's the reason my husband opens the door for me and loves me unconditionally.  She's the reason I have two beautiful boys and the most handsome man for a husband.

This isn't just a prayer to make Lora come out okay.  This is a prayer for strength for all of us.

If you need her more than we do, God ... I need you to please give us all the strength to get through this. 

"I can do all things through him who strengthens me."  - Philippians 4:13

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